Why 2009 Was A Good Year For Me

This year brought me a lot of new experiences and amazing moments. I celebrated my 30th birthday in July and even though my party didn't end up how I wanted it to I was happy that I could spend it with people I cared about. Not to mention, the Fender Prophecy that Danny bought me. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has ever given me. (if you don't know, I have played bass since I was 15. For about 4 years I was in the band, Six to Eight Mathematics, and used a Prophecy that was given to me as a gift by a very close friend. About 5 years ago, we had a disagreement which ended our friendship. He took the bass back and refused to remain in contact with me. It was the only bass I was comfortable with so since then I wasn't able to play. They are also very hard to find which explains why I never had it again) So the fact that Danny searched and found one was a romantic gesture. I was so excited! Besides my 30th, I was lucky to celebrate my friends, Valerie and Meg, 30th birthdays as well. To watch these two ladies grow up beside me for the last 19 years is awesome.

In June, Danny moved in and it was the best decision we made. He is a great guy to live with. We also celebrated our one year anniversary on August 11. To reach one year together was a blessing. I am lucky to have him in my life and am grateful for every day he is with me. And like every relationship, we had our ups and downs but got through them with ease. To start 2010 with him by my side is an adventure all on its own.

October brought me Maine. I have been wanting to go there for years and finally my wish came true. Danny and I ventured out to Acadia with Olive for the 10 hour drive. What a road trip it was! It felt like my first family vacation. A full week filled with new experiences, beautiful views, silence and lots of time to rest. Thats what I call a vacation. Its something I will always remember and cherish.

Looking for a job has been an issue for the last couple of years. Its just getting worse and worse out there. Being a designer is tough. Especially, in a horrible economy. I am grateful for the freelance jobs I was able to work on and for the unemployment that got me through it all.

My father and I haven't had a normal parent/child relationship. Not having him in my life until I was 21 was a very big life changing moment. We remained in each other's lives for a couple of years then lost touch. This year has brought us back together again and I am very happy for that. My dad has had a very colorful life and is lucky to be healthy and alive. I am proud of him for turning his life around and moving forward with a positive view on things. Not only do I talk to him almost every day but I was able to help him design his new apartment and get his life back on track. I am thankful to have him in my life again.

Now for the little things:

- I have a lot of ink done but none of which was completed. Thanks to Nick Arena at the Devil's Rose Tattoo shop I was able to get my right leg done! You can imagine how excited I was to finally have a completed piece. I am so impressed and satisfied with the final results and happy that I have a limb dedicated to one of my favorite artists, Jeremy Fish.

- I am not a big fan of tv but am happy for the new shows that started this year: Glee and Flash Forward are my favorites. I am also excited to see the last season of Nip Tuck. Though this does not make me happy, this show is so great I am sad to see it go but I know the last episodes will be fucking crazy!

- Thanks to Facebook I was able to get in touch with some people from my past. From old loves to close friends, I am glad to know that they are all happy and healthy. People come into your life for a reason and when years fly by and they appear again don't take it for granted.

- I was able to finally update and redesign my apartment this fall. I am always thinking of new ways to change things and reinvent my living space. This time with a little more money we were able to get some new furniture and a new tv. The place looks stunning and I am so grateful we got it all done!

- Of course I am always grateful for the holidays and being able to spend it with my family. They are the best people around and it would not be the same without them.

So you can see by the things I mentioned that I am a thankful girl with a lot of positivity surrounding me. I have to be honest though and say that the most eye opening and life changing experience for me this year was choosing to be a vegetarian. This change was a result of lots of reading and time. For years I have always thought about not eating meat. Especially, since I love animals and support animal rights. I hate that I was a contradiction for most of my life. I will admit it. When I was young I was so consumed with the issues in my life that the world around me wasn't reality. Not that I was selfish, but my life has brought me many things to focus on and the food industry was not one of them. Being an art student, I had endless projects and sleepless nights. My work was my focus and most of the time my work was inspired by my life experiences. Yet, more to be consumed by.

I will say, that for a long time I was uncomfortable about eating animals. I was never a big meat eater anyway, mostly eating chicken, but there was always that voice saying "don't do that" in the back of my head. I was even grossed out by raw meat and didn't enjoy touching it. (which I still am) Forget about even picturing slaughterhouses and dead animals, the thought of these images made my cry. Not until I was out on my own was I more involved with knowing what I was eating and where my food came from. I started reading books on natural cleaners and organic foods and it changed my life. The year 2006 was when I started to make things happen.

Now, on the last day of 2009, I am so proud to say that I am meat-free, corn-free and on a strict organic diet. I have taken the steps that were necessary for me to be here today. All those years of wondering and not being fully aware brought me down the path of seeking knowledge and making changes that matter. The truth is, this planet is our responsibility. We were put here to live our lives and replenish the earth that gave us life. Its no one else's job but ours. As children and young adults we aren't fully aware of the horrible things going on in the world. People keep these horrible things far away from our ears and eyes creating this naive barrier to reality. This needs to change. As we grow up, that barrier starts to crumble because we are now living and working in the real world. As much as the government and big corporations try to keep that barrier from breaking, we eventually break through.

I love to cook. Always have. The women in my family all have the "food gene" and I am happy to be a part of that. There is one key ingredient to being a true cook or chef and that is to know where your food comes from. If you want to make healthy, yummy dishes you must use the best ingredients. That's a fact. Most of the food people make are not up to these standards. The "stuff" they are using are either processed chemicals or tortured, unhealthy animals. These do not make a good meal. Nor do they suffice for comfort food. Are you really comfortable about putting shit on the table for your family to eat? Well, thats what you are doing. You might as well give out plates of feces and hope for the best. You can bet I won't be coming over for dinner anytime soon!

I feel that our senses have taken over. Just because something tastes good doesn't mean you have to eat it. Its called greed and millions of you suffer from it. "Who me? Greedy? No!" Yes, you are. So wake up and turn things around. So many living creatures suffer and die just so you can have them on a plate. It seems so worthless. There is no valid reason for eating animals. Nor is there a good reason for eating processed food. You might as well get on your knees and pray to the big corporations who are feeding you. Sadly enough, they are your God.

I started my website, d+eco, to help people be aware of what they are eating and how to help the planet. I have a brain, therefore, I choose to use it. I have a voice and I choose to speak up every moment I can. I am fearless, I choose to act on emotion and good morals and spread the truth no matter what gets in my way. I am an inspiration, I choose to lead others in the revolution towards positive change. I have a heart that dies every time I think of an animal being tortured and people supporting that behavior. I have a soul, I choose to fill it with positivity and warmth and help the unaware and the weak. And despite all my anger and disgust for the human race, I still have hope for all of us.

So for 2010, I ask that you all get the facts and know the truth. Stop being selfish and greedy for once and think about the bigger picture. Take a look at yourself and start making changes. As you kiss your children good night, think about their health and their future. As you go over your bills for the month, see what you can live without and start spending where it counts. When you go food shopping make sure you read labels and if you don't know what it is than don't buy it. Explore new ways of cooking and add vegetarian meals to your weekly dinners. Think of all the animals that suffer and choose to help them suffer no more. Support sustainable farming methods and give the "farm" back to the "farmer". Once in awhile, donate to a charity and help make this a better place to live. Teach your children the truth without creating a wall from reality. Stupid, ignorant children are not strong leaders of the future.

This all may seem like so much to some of you. But it really isn't. This is the way we should all be living. These are the choices we should be making. These are the goals we should be setting. We are the human race. We are supposed to be the smartest race of them all. Its time we act like it. Evolve for change.

The Time is Now

Lately, I have been realizing a lot about this country that makes me sick. Its getting really hard for me to see any good anymore. You know there are many people that are oblivious to what is really going on and there are some that are aware but don't care. The others are a mix of people who are making a difference and others that want to make a difference but don't know how. First of all, it is easy to gain information. Besides reading there are a number of documentaries out there that you can rent or buy that will help you get insight into the world around you. I find film to be exciting and easy to follow so I watch a lot of them. I recently saw two that really pushed me over the edge; Blue Gold: World Water Wars and Walmart: The High Cost of Low Price. Both of these are well worth watching and I highly recommend you check them out asap.

I really wasn't truly aware of the water wars going on in the world right now. I personally don't drink tap water because there is fluoride in it. My boyfriend and I have Poland Spring delivered every month just so we could drink and cook with good water. After watching this film we have decided to cancel our plan. As soon as I find a good filter for our sink we will switch over. I want to get one that is safe and good for the environment and that actually works! It took this one film to change my actions. I feel it is important to make change as soon as you can. No procrastinating! Why sit on your ass any longer when you can make a difference today?

What this film has shown me justifies my feelings toward greed and power. Two things that are the root of all evil. Two things that are running our country and others into the fucking ground. This earth has a system folks. We all learned about it in school. Our eco system works just fine when we take care of it. Sadly, we haven't taken care of it in years and we are all seeing the negative results of that today. In simple terms, the earth has a limited amount of water. It will not go forever, especially at this rate. There are major corporations pumping and taking water from other countries, states and towns and making a profit. Forcing governments to privatize their water supply. Who knew? In an ideal world, we could all drink water that comes from our area and it would be safe and toxic free. But this is not the case. We are wasting our water supply more and more each day, plain and simple. Factory and industrial agriculture, housing and technology have affected how our eco system works and slowly but surely there is land everywhere drying up. Scared yet?

There are people out there fighting for their rights. Strong people who choose to fight the system so that they keep their rights and their right for water. In countries like Africa corporations are humiliating and killing their people for money. Can you imagine only having about a bucket a day of water? Having to pay 25 cents to flush your toilet? What if you had a fire and the fire department came and said, "oh well, we don't have the water to put the fire out, sorry". This is what is going on!! It needs to stop now.

I ask you to please see this film and read the book as well. Do more research and learn what you can do to help. If you care about this country and its water supply than I hope you will stand up and fight back. When people join hands and minds they get stronger and louder. Thats we need! We can make a difference but we have to work at it and we have to do it together.

It seems like this country is all about individual profit and gain. I see it everyday and it makes me angry. I am highly against big corporations who do not care about people, the environment and the country. There are a lot out there. One of which is Walmart. I will admit I have shopped there but I was never a huge advocate of the superstore. The only good thing about the place is its prices. But did you ever think of why they are so cheap? Its not reality. But when you are forcing people in China and other countries to work all fucking day for barely nothing under horrible circumstances you can make it your reality I guess. That's Walmart for ya!

This company is essentially the largest in the world and with profits way past the millions no wonder they have so much power! If you love Walmart and support them than here are just a few fun facts that might change your views:

- their employees get paid crap and can't even take care of their families. Never mind, health care. Walmart designed its health plan so that no one could even afford to take it. This resulting in you paying for it! That's right. All these employees are forced to go on government programs that all you taxpayers are paying for. In fact, Walmart suggests that they do!

- It has also been known for racial discrimination and humiliating its employees. Thats a place I want to work!

- If CEO's are making close to $30 million a year and employees are making just under the federal poverty line, I think there is a problem!

- The company is also a supporter of violence. Yep! When you have crimes, rapes and shootings going on in your parking lots worldwide and you do nothing about it than I figure you support this behavior. Having camera's put up is a start. But when you hire no one to work them than what is the point!

- Walmart has been known to hiring illegal immigrants to clean their stores at night and locking them in. Oh thats fun!

- The chain has put hundreds of local business' out of business resulting in cities and towns going bankrupt. What the fuck ever happened the idea of community?

- The amount of money Walmart receives to build new stores is ridiculous. That money could go to schools, funding for programs and local commerce.

You see, if Walmart is making so much money, and it is, you would think they would have no problem paying and respecting their workers what they deserve. You also would think they would pay to have the best security so that consumers would be safe and feel safe shopping at their stores. This is not the case. Their commercials are bullshit and their company morals are not worth a dime. All they care about is money, power and control. If you can't see that than I feel sorry for you.

I for one will not shop at Walmart ever again. There is really no need to when there are a million other stores to shop at. Better ones at that. I am convinced it is evil because the idea was based on one of the major problems in this country. All the CEO's that ever worked their term along the years are assholes and don't have any heart or soul. Modern day slavery is what they are all about and I will not support that. You know, the fact that they have the lowest prices can have a psychological effect on people. You need something, you want it and your going to get it. Good example is Black Friday. The Walmart right by me in Farmingdale had a death due to crowds of people rushing in the store to shop. That poor security guard got stomped on over and over. You people are fucking nuts!! I hope that stupid toy for your kid or that TV you just had to have was worth killing someone for. The whole situation makes me sick.

Look at what our government and big business has done to you all. Its like some of you aren't even humans anymore. Is there any compassion left in the world? Are people strong enough to stand up for themselves these days? Why are we letting this happen? I am strong enough to fight. I know there are others who are strong as well. If we have to be the ones to lead everyone else than so be it. If we have to push the weak to do what is right, than thats fine with me. Don't try to stop me and don't get in my way. When I talk you will listen and I will not stop at ignorance and stupidity. The time is now. Its time to revolt and evolve for change.

http://www.bluegold-worldwaterwars.com/

http://www.walmartmovie.com/

http://wakeupwalmart.com/

What Will We Do Then?

Why do people sometimes shut out information that could help them? Aren't we as humans supposed to grow and evolve as we get older? Change is a part of life. If you want to fight it go ahead but I guarantee your life will not be fulfilled. Why choose a life of ignorance? How could you not want to know what is going on around you? So many questions....

I am at a point in my life where living the best I can and making a difference is important to me. Not that it ever wasn't, but right now I am going through many changes. When I was young it was art, music, school, relationships, drugs...this was my way of learning and experimenting in the world. I sucked in the knowledge like a sponge. I will admit, there were a lot of things I didn't know. Now that I am older the world is a different place to me. I see things in a different view. I realize that there are issues in the world, and this country, that are destroying all of us. Whether you want to agree with me or not, its true. It really upsets me.

I cannot just turn my feelings off nor will I keep my mouth shut because people don't want to listen. I will not give up. I don't preach and I don't force anything on anyone. I just want to share important information with the people around me so that their lives can benefit as well. Is that so wrong? If I won the lottery I bet people wouldn't mind if I gave them some of it. So why can't they take positive information and advice if it will make their lives richer. I don't get it.

Even though I am going vegetarian that doesn't mean I want everyone around me to change as well. But what I do hope for is that what I have to share will encourage people to change. Only you can change who you are. I can only inspire you to be a better person. (and yes, we can all be better people) My beliefs are my beliefs and people can agree or disagree. But facts are facts. If you don't see that than you are ignorant and not as smart as you should be. If you know something is bad for you and you can easily choose the better option why wouldn't you? I really feel bad for people who are so comfortable in how they live that they shut themselves off to the world. No growth, no change and certainly no gain in happiness. This is not the life that I want.

I cannot help expressing myself on something that I am passionate about. I have always been this way. For the last couple of years I have been an advocate of natural and organic foods. I currently live my life the healthiest I have ever lived it. I choose to only put organic, healthy food in my body. Is that wrong? I choose to support animals and their rights instead of eating them. You want to eat meat, fine, than at least eat organic. If not, than you are choosing to eat a tortured, chemical injected, diseased animal. How can people know this and still continue their eating habits? How do they have the heart to support this behavior? I may not have control on what you do with your life but what I do have is the right to not respect your choices. If people only knew how ugly they really are....

I understand that getting involved in such issues will result in disappointment half the time. That will not stop me. It may upset me but that is what I have to deal with. And I do. Honestly, it only makes me want to fight more, share more and speak more. I realize that I will need to give up on some people after I get shot down. Fine. I tried. It only pushes me toward the next person in my journey. I am sick of hearing "I don't care". It's enough already. What if everyone said they didn't care about you. The difference: we humans have power and animals don't. They can't defend themselves or speak up for what they want. Why should they suffer for our taste buds? Why should they be murdered for fashion? What gives us the right to take their lives? There is no reason and we don't have the right!

I just want to make a difference in the world. If I can help my friends and family than I have done some good. I don't mean to preach my beliefs or choices but I will share what I know with the people in my life. I love a lot of people and all I want for them is to be happy and healthy. Most of them are not living this way. Whether they say they are happy or not...ignorance is bliss, I guess. Not my bliss. I live in the real world where it is not such a great place. A world that is craving love and care so much that it is dying. This country needs a wake up call. There are people like me out there doing their part and fighting every day for what they believe in. When change comes around and its enough to really make a difference, our work has been done.

Some people just learn too late. Others may never learn. Diseased minds only add to the negative energy on this planet. We can only help cure them with knowledge and love. Eventually the earth will lose its desire to live. What will we do then?

Never Give Up

Lately, my mind has been running me over. My thoughts consume every day, every hour and eventually every minute. Is this normal? I don't know because I am not sure if normal exists. But what I do know is that all my life I have been a passionate person. I am either hot or cold, crazy or sane. Very rarely am I in the middle with a question mark over my head. I know who I am. So I live with it. But every now and then...it gets to me. Never ending thoughts.

I feel so strongly about the changes I have been making in my life recently. I seem to be heading in a fresh, new direction and it feels right to take the path that I am. The more I think about what is really going on in this country the more I want to disappear. There are so many people that are blind to the truth. They just need to open their eyes and look.

Our healthcare is down the drain, our money is all gone, we are still at war, people can't get jobs, disease haunts millions each day, animals get tortured and killed, too many people are overweight and unhealthy, murderers and rapists continue to succeed, two people in love cannot marry and we are slowly losing our rights as free americans. That doesn't sound like a great country I want to live in. We are constantly tricked into buying harmful medications, lied about the food we are eating and being brainwashed into thinking that its the best country in the fuckin world! Wake up people! In order to really change things we need each other. All of us. Why is this so hard?

How can someone see an animal get killed then eat it?

Would you kill it yourself?

How can people eat meat and poultry when they know its pumped with chemicals and tortured memories?

Why not just choose organic?

How can someone have the option to buy organic and natural but choose Devil Dogs?

How can the government allow a bio-chemical company to patent the soy bean? This is crazy!

How is it possible that we all could lose the ability and the right to have an organic farm?

Why in the world would the people in power want to evolve its people in the wrong direction?

Why litter when you can throw something in the trash?

How can someone, with no remorse, torture and abuse an animal?

Why is it that when a person, especially a celebrity, gets raped or abused we all hear about it?

But when animals do, its hidden and not cared about.

How did this country turn into a horrible leach that sucks the life and power out of everything?

You know something. About 90% of the products out there on the shelves are not meant to be eaten. They are filled with additives, chemicals and scientific experiments. Is that what you want to put in your body? There is a healthier version of just about anything and everything out there, I promise. They taste better and don't do any harm. Do some good for yourself, your family and friends and your children most of all. They are going to be stuck living on this planet even when we are no longer here. Give them the information they need and the love they can't live without and they will go far. You make the biggest impression.

Enough with the greed. I am so sick of it. Some of you want everything you get your hands on and its disgusting. Others want to be able to hold the remote at all times. Do you enjoy them playing God? I don't.

I want every living creature on this planet to have a right to live. If they did we wouldn't be eating them. How would you like it if someone injected you with chemicals that made you so big your legs couldn't keep you up. Then put you in a large dirty area with so many other people the place felt like an outhouse. Feed you cheap food that is the opposite of what your body needs to be healthy. Weeks go by that feel like months and then a bunch of people you don't know come and take you away. And for most of you comes torture. So on top of being drugged and totally out of your mind due to the shit and piss you've been living in, you get hit, kicked, thrown, stepped on and manhandled toward death. All this just so another person can eat you.

One day it can be really great to live here. But it's not going to happen if you don't change. Who knows how much damage I have already done to my body in the past living the life I was. Its never too late. The sad thing is, there are people out there who are so much worse than me. A lot of them are the ones who are not giving in. We all know a few....probably more. I hate it. It forces me to slowly lose respect.

I dream of a place that is green with foliage, not greed.

I imagine land that is untouched, fertile and ready to give life.

I hope that one day the air will truly lift us up instead of bogging us down.

I want all of us to take a stand like we never have before and finally take them down.

I need this to be our land...a land where we are free to roam and eat what the earth gives us.

I fear that we won't make it........but my pride will never give up.

They Deserve to Live

A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to stop eating meat. Red meat at least. I was never a big meat eater anyway so I figured it would be easy. Towards the end of 2006 I started to read a lot on natural and organic foods. The more I read the more I wanted to change my life and my eating habits. I have always loved animals and felt I was a supporter of animal rights. I have never been a fan of leather or animal fur and it always made me upset when I thought of animal testing and torture. How can anyone be comfortable with this?

I remember this one time my cousin Alex, a vegetarian and huge animal rights activist, showed me a video on the Peta website that will haunt me forever. A kitten being tortured to test products. It was so horrible to watch that I couldn't even finish it. The tears that ran down my face were so intense. I just couldn't believe that this goes on everyday. These poor animals do not deserve any of it. I think its sick.

Years have gone by and the idea of eating meat gets less appealing even more and more. I didn't stop completely when I wanted to. I just cut down to maybe once or twice a month. It was hard for awhile when I was in a relationship with someone who loved meat but I tried my best to stick to my guns. Today I am proud to say I have given up most meat and don't even have the urge or the craving to put it in my body. I still do eat chicken but in time that will go too. Its a big step and I am so happy that I am moving towards a much healthier life.

There are plenty of things to eat besides meat. Some people I know absolutely love to eat it and will never give it up. Thats fine for them. People have the right to make their own choices for themselves. But I know that it is not healthy. Our bodies do not need it. Especially on a daily basis. Yuck! When people eat red meat more than 3 times a week it really grosses me out. Can you say clogged arteries? With all the

veggies and fruits in the world why even think of eating animals? There are tons of other ways to get protein.

It has gotten to a point where I can't even look at a hamburger without even thinking of the slaughtered cow. Their poor bodies hanging...bleeding. All this just so you can eat them. Its absurd! All the poor piggies, deer, and fish in the world that suffer just so humans can be greedy. And yes, its greed. Don't you all eat enough animals! Do you have to eat cute little bunnies? Do you have to shoot, kill and eat deer? Is there really a good reason to eat octopus and squid? NO. Its disgusting.

I am happy to know that I am not a part of that horrible cycle. I can live a carefree and guilt free life knowing that I am not a murderer. Even though you may not kill these animals yourself, you are eating them, which means you are the reason they are dying in the first place. I am sorry but no human is that special. I think its time people really think about what they put in their bodies and start making better choices. Not just for them, their health and their future but for all the creatures that live on this planet. They deserve to live a happy, healthy life as well.

What gives you the right to take another life?

Something...Anything

Since last week I have been sick with some weird bug. For days it has been the same and doesn't get worse or get any better. Sometimes I feel like I might be back to normal but then a dizzy spell or a chill reminds me that I'm not. I have been trying to rest up but everyday I have work to do. I am happy that I am able to be home and not have to get up and go to work everyday but it still isn't fun feeling lousy.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My life just seems like its missing something. Thoughts of how my days used to be always comes to mind. I was always around people. Whether it was my friends, classmates or new people I came across, communication was always a big part of my life as well as my happiness. I am not the loner type. Not that I need hundreds of friends but I do like to have human contact with different people a lot of the time. The fact that pretty much all my close friends are in Jersey doesn't help. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on trying to keep them in my life. I know that sounds shitty. I feel shitty saying it. But its true. It takes so much just to get them all together, if I am even lucky to accomplish that, and if it wasn't for Facebook I probably wouldn't even talk to most of them. Its sad and I hate it.

I understand the whole "things change when you grow up" deal but I don't agree with that completely. People do what they want to do, they see who they want to see and they call who they miss. Everyone is just so damn busy. I get it. Well, one thing I can say about myself is that I am busy too. This never got in the way of me keeping in touch with my friends. Maybe I am just different. Maybe I care too much. Whatever the reason, I know that I need to meet new people. I have two friends out here in Long Island and I hardly see them either. Its time for something new.

I miss sharing my thoughts and dreams. I somehow forgot how it feels to express myself towards something or someone new. I crave conversations. The closest thing to something new I have is getting in contact with people from my past. Sort of ironic if you ask me. I guess its also funny. In a sense it is someone new due to the years that have passed without contact. So catching up seems exciting because now you are both different people and have so much to learn about each other. New friendships can indeed blossom from past relationships.

These days I want something more. Something beautiful and mystifying. Something that will make me want to close my eyes and pinch myself because its too good to be true. Something spontaneous. Something that will warm my heart for weeks, not just for a minute. Something different. Something new. Something that inspires me to create endless words to describe it. Something that makes me feel whole.

Something....anything....

Fear to Let Go

The cinema is such a great place to be. It can take you away on a journey far from home or it can bring back memories of the past. It can also be a place where you can learn and gain information. I love film. Being that I am a photographer I find still moments to be beautiful and haunting at the same time. What I mean by haunting is that by taking a photo you can collect the soul of that moment and keep it forever. Memories are built to fade. Then you have photographs that bring it all back. It's amazing. Just like the art of photography, film is an integral part of capturing those once in a lifetime moments. The only difference is movement. It allows you to see through the soul of the subject in a more live way. So film to photography is like a concert to an album. Before it was still and somewhat unreal but then you see it come to life and you have a whole new perception of the band.

I have always loved watching films. I tend to go toward indie flicks most but I totally appreciate horror and foreign films as well. Of course, I cannot forget about comedy. They are the pick me ups when I need a good laugh. There is something so special about a movie that not only makes you feel something but pushes you to the edge so to speak. Expressing that emotion gained is a gift and when the film has the power to make that happen its a beautiful thing.

I have seen plenty of really great films in my time. Some that come to mind right away are Requiem for a Dream, Donnie Darko, The Life of David Gale, Little Miss Sunshine, Manic, LIE, Mysterious Skin, The Believer, Fight Club, Last Days, Elephant and Halloween. There are so many more to name but I will post more films to check out in a later write up. I also really love documentaries. Michael Moore is great. I have seen every one of his films besides Capitalism: A Love Story and thought they were all very fierce and knowledgeable . Adam Scorgie is good too. The Union really has opened up a lot of people's eyes to benefits of hemp and how resourceful it is. The cinema can really be a place that helps you better understand the world around you.

I love to see films and then deconstructing them after. Talk about the story. How the experience made me feel. There are so many important parts of a film to admire. Not only the screenplay but how the characters carried out the story. How it looked. Did it have cinematic or theatrical elements? Was the music a major part in the emotional tale? Did it engage you enough or push you away? These are all questions to think about when seeing a movie. Some people don't look at films this way. They want to see a movie, watch things get blown up and see crazy digital effects burst out of the screen. Thats fine sometimes but you have to admit there is so much more to filmmaking than that. Some people just don't appreciate those things. They don't see it. They are not looking for it. I always have.

The world I see around me is so much clearer through a lens. I have my camera in my hand and I am always ready to shoot. I listen to music and I create visions in my head. Visions I want to happen. Visions I want to shoot and capture for all to see. I feel that I have a unique point of view and people would appreciate it if they saw it, felt it and were able to touch it. When I am taking portraits of someone and I get that one good shot...nothing makes me happier. I see who they are and capture their soul. Maybe for a minute....a second even...but it was all mine. My moment. My vision. My memory that will never fade.

Maybe its not just my point of view I want to share. Maybe I don't want my memories to fade. The good ones at least. Maybe the camera is a tool that was made available to me by chance. A tool that is only being used because I have the raw talent to use it. Not because I am trying. Not because I want to express what's inside me. But because I want to create a moment and make it mine forever. Holding those minutes and hours with a subject and respectively stealing their beauty. Beauty that no one else has seen before. Because its my vision. A vision that holds nothing back and always asks for more. A vision that one day will be dark and serene. Floating towards the never-ending moments and memories I fear to let go.

Finally be Free

As I watch the news and catch some Oprah shows, I can't help but get annoyed at how alcohol is killing society. I am sorry if you disagree but it should be banned. At least raise the drinking age and take it more seriously. All it does is hurt and kill people. Too many people drive drunk and act stupid. Its not like its that great either. Ooh, getting drunk is fun....duh. Get over it already. There is no positive reason to drink. Find some other way to relax and have a good time. Get creative for once. It really pisses me off that weed is illegal yet it has never caused a death or sickness. Then you have alcohol and cigarettes which are the leading killers in this country. Its sad that America has it backwards. But then again what do you expect from the assholes in government and big business. They don't give a shit about the people who live here. If they did than cigarettes alone would be banned. Considering its a fact that they are harmful and can kill people. But they need to make millions off of our sickness, disease and deaths. Man, am I proud to be an American!

When I talk about how I feel about America with people they get upset and uncomfortable. Yes, I am opinionated, hence the blog, but I have a right to say how I feel. There are a lot of people who feel the same as me and they are speaking up all over the place. Good for them! This country needs to change, period. The more I hear stories about mothers driving drunk and killing a bunch of kids or a drunk driver hitting someone it makes me so sad. Just alcoholism alone is a huge problem. Every cancer case I hear about and tobacco commercial I see just makes me more pissed off at this country. Why is it that we have this killing machine built in our systems? Our government is constantly at war with its people, our rights are repeatedly being taken away and our laws don't make any sense! Why can't we just get it right?

Another horrible thing about America is its healthcare system. That isn't a surprise. I have felt this way for a long time. I have been on and off insurance for years and to tell you the truth, I'd rather not even be a part of it. Im surviving without it so why should I pump my money into the biggest soul crushing business out there. No thanks and fuck you! Hey, if they will find a way to fuck you over when you need them most why give them the time of day or your hard earned money. Money that is very hard to come by these days being our economy is so great and all. Yet another issue that needs to be resolved. This country has been around a long time and yet we still seem to have so much to learn. Now wonder other countries hate our government and feel bad for all of us Americans. Its embarrassing.

Michael Moore's film Sicko was eye opening. If you haven't seen it yet than rent it today. I cried throughout the whole film because there are so many people out there who suffer under the harsh hands of this country's greed. Its disgusting. People dying, misdiagnosed and worst of all, being denied care. We can only count on ourselves and the people we love. With all this going on how am I or anyone else supposed to feel comfortable trusting in this country to take care of us. Shouldn't we have pride for the country we live in? Aren't we supposed to stand up for the place we call home? Well, it looks like pride, trust and comfort all got thrown out the window when violence, greed, disease and lies took over.

Maybe one day we will all finally be free....

Recipe for Relaxation

This week has totally drained me of any energy I could of saved for the next few days. The weekend flew by way to fast. I have been making a lot of changes to the apartment so new furniture and rearranging things have been taking up a lot of my time. We got our new bookshelves on Friday and set them up on Saturday. Had to reorganize and move some pieces around in order to make it look super nice. The three bookshelves we replaced were taken out and I was able to fit one more in the office. All this took me Friday night and all day Saturday to do! Danny was busy at band practice and then had to be in the studio on the weekend so I was working on these projects solo. When he got home we headed out to get a bite to eat and stopped by Ikea to take a look at a TV stand we liked. We wound up getting new curtains and a duvet cover for the bedroom. I always like to make changes. Sometimes a small thing like new curtains could reinvent a whole room. The old ones they replaced were moved to the living room and they look great!

Sunday was another tiring day. Did shit around the house while Danny went to the studio to record. My mother came in from Jersey to pick up the 2 bookshelves I replaced. Then I did some work and finally chilled out for awhile and watched TV. Danny got home around 1 am or so from a show in the city. We were both exhausted and in need of much rest. Monday comes around and I headed to grandma's house to do some laundry and some shopping. The day went longer than I planned and I got home around 5:30 instead of 4. I had wanted to get most of my work done but of course that wasn't happening. I had a case of car sickness while shopping and it totally ruined my chances of being in "work mode". I didn't have to make dinner because Danny was at the studio after work to record his last 3 songs so I just ate some pasta and butter. Eating has been an issue with me lately. Its not that I am starving myself but I don't eat enough. Add that to allergies and not enough sleep and you get one sick, sad Melissa.

Tuesday comes around way too soon and the weather is not making me smile. Rainy and crappy, yay. I was supposed to drive into Queens to help my Dad with his new place but I was really out of it and had to seriously get work done. I did what I could as far as work and ran out to the store to get a few things for the house. Before I know it I am rushing again. It seems as if time is not on my side these days. On my way home my battery dies. Of course. It happened while turning onto my street off 135. Cars beeping and me stressing. A lady stops and helps me push my car to the side and this guy gets me a jump. Thank god for these people! I am happy I was only down the street from my house. After the jump I drove home and worked for 45 minutes before I started dinner. Rushing and stressed. Danny comes home and we eat. I feel bad because I was in a horrible mood.

So he goes and gets the battery for me and we attempt to change it. Then we realize we are going to have an issue with my car alarm. I disarmed it a while ago but now that we are changing the battery it will go off again. I can't find the little piece I need. In attempt to save myself from slitting my throat I say we call it quits and do it in the morning. Finally, we get to chill and watch So You Think You Can Dance. LOVE that show! A little pissed off that Billy Bell got sick and won't be performing but I will get over it. He would of won hands down!

Today I was hoping for a better day. Danny changed my battery in the morning and that went well. The weather sucked yet again. I felt like crap this morning because everything is catching up to me. Plus, I forgot to mention, that it's my PMS week. Yep, another thing to celebrate! Always get excited when this week rolls around. This is another reason why I have been feeling over tired and shitty. So I get ready and head off to work and there goes my alarm. After about 10 minutes I find that piece I need (it was on the floor) and emergency disarm the car. Work was ok. An hour before I left I started to get a migraine that only got worse as the minutes past. Driving home was a total blur and very painful. On top of feeling like my head was going to explode and my eyes were going to pop out of my head, I had to urge to throw up. Thats always fun! Especially, when you are driving....in the rain. I get home and immediately pop 3 pills and go to bed. Alarm goes off and its 5:30. I have to get dinner ready. Danny comes home and we eat yummy chicken quesadillas.

I still feel drained. I have bags under my eyes. I need sleep. I feel like this week should be over but its only halfway done. Tomorrow I go into Queens to meet my Dad. Friday I don't want to do anything!!! But I have work that needs to get done. Then we have plans to eat dinner over my friend Heather's. I'm just happy I don't have to cook!

I need a recipe for relaxation.

One Strange Kid

Everyone has bad habits. Some are worse than others. I have a few that remain the same after all these years and some that don't exist anymore. When I was young I was a strange child. I know a lot of kids are weird but I was definitely unique. For some reason I did not want anyone to see my feet. Its the stupidest thing in the world because there is absolutely nothing wrong with my feet. They are actually kinda cute. Anyway, so here I am trying to hide my feet when possible. Socks were my heroes. If I was alone than it was no problem. I actually liked being barefoot. It just wasn't happening in public.

I used to be in gymnastics when I was a kid and was actually really good. They wanted me to start competing and everything. After a while I just wanted to do something else. But there was one issue I had with the balance beam. You had to be barefoot! Yikes. I asked so many times to wear something to cover them up but it wasn't happening. Before you know it, gymnastics was not more.

I also had a problem with eating in front of other people. This issue started from elementary and continued up until high school. It wasn't that I was starving myself, even though I was. The whole skinny thing had nothing to do with it. I was thin and looked fine. I just didn't like the idea of people watching me as I ate. Sounds retarded, I know. When I went to St. Genevieve's I used to hide my paper bag lunches in the coat closets and just let them collect. My teacher did not like that. Eventually, it would smell and all the kids got a laugh. I did this to be funny. I was a smart ass back then. Something I guess has never changed :) But because I was hiding them I did not eat. In high school it was the same except I did not bring lunch. Sometimes I would eat french fries or a donut and cut it up so it wouldn't be messy. But otherwise I hardly ate. Then later when I was alone I would gorge on food because I was so friggin hungy! Ridiculous. For some reason I also hated to ask for food. Like when my friends and I went to get something to eat I would ask one of them to put in my order. What a dope!

Another habit of mine that bothered people was my staring problem. Its not that I would stare people down. It was more of a daydreaming kind of stare. Just looking. I tend to do the same thing today. I can't help it sometimes. When there is a lot going on around me I get distracted and daydream off to weirdo land...haha. This habit, I believe, has led me to another obsessive trademark. The art of twirling. I have twirled my friggin hair for years and its something I cannot stop. The only time it was beneficial was when I had dreads. Otherwise, its something I do to be calm I guess. I was always a nervous person and twirling my hair helped. Especially, when I was staring off into la la land.

These all seem harmless and funny. Maybe even cute to some people. But there are more that aren't. I have been told that this next habit of mine is a serious problem. It is one I cannot stop. I know there are people out there who do the same. I have an obsessive addiction to picking my skin. Skin has always been a strange issue with me. As a child, I did everything I could to damage it in some way. Whether it was drawing on my body with marker, cutting and scarring it or ripping it apart. I found a way to distort was I was born with. Now I just get a lot of tattoos and pick away. It may sound gross to some. Hell, it sort of sounds gross to me. But I can't and will never stop.

You know my family used to always tell me to stop or else I would get gangrene and my fingers would have to get cut off. That obviously didn't work or happen. Nice try! Its a weird thing to do what I do but I don't view it as ugly. I look at my hands and my fingers and absolutely love how they look. I am very compulsive about having nails and if I don't see at least a 1/4 inch of skin on my fingertips I freak. I have never had or liked fingernails. Thats why I am so attracted when people bite them. There is something about it that comforts me. So picking my skin has gone through its stages but the issue remains. When I show people sometimes what I have done they can't believe I can do that to myself. I guess its my way of showing tough love..ha. I enjoy doing it, its relaxes me when I am stressed and I love how it looks. Why should I stop?

The last habit that I admit has gotten better over the years is my compulsive cleanliness. I hate dirt and dust and when something looks dirty I have to clean it. I have been known to go over people's houses and just start cleaning for them. I try not to be rude but if they aren't gonna do it than someone has to! I don't mind. I love to clean and always will. The world is such a better place when its clean.

So there you go. All of my bad habits on the table. I am glad to say that my "no eating in public" issue is gone. I don't care who is looking at me now. My staring problem has gotten a lot better. And that whole foot thing is over. Im barefoot all the time and don't have a care in the world who's around. I look back at these things I used to do and feel and find it crazy that I was like that. As I said before, I was a strange kid.

The Journey Up Ahead

So a little while ago I had a phone appointment with a psychic that my dad got for me. The guy's name is Michael and he lives up in Albany. My dad received a good reading so he suggested I have one done too. I am happy I did. I know there are a lot of people out there who don't believe in this stuff but I always have. I feel that certain individuals have special abilities and why not use them to help other people. If you can make some money as well than go for it. Its the same thing as me making money off of art. Its a talent that I have every right to use and make a living off of doing it. This is the second reading I had done in my life and I was very pleased with the results.

First of all, he said I was youthful and have psychic abilities that run in my family. He then mentioned something about moving or moving furniture. I told him I was redecorating so that made sense. The two topics he mainly talked about were my relationship and my career. Both are looking bright which made me happy. It was the details that were very interesting.

As far as my relationship with Danny he said that there are some issues we are dealing with that aren't resolved. He feels that Danny needs to be more positive and get his head together. I found it funny that he mentioned certain characteristics about him that were so true. The moodiness, the pouty face, wearing black, seems to be pissed off all the time, the dark demeanor....all so very true about Danny. Michael also received some vibes about heavy metal music which can relate to his band, Thracian. So far he was on point. The future seemed to hold some good things for Danny's career as well. He saw a new job coming in November and some kind of class or training. He said that Danny will be learning something new and it will beneficial to him and his work. Also, that he would be designing album covers, cd's...more designing for the music industry. That made me happy because Danny would love to be more involved with that. So not so bad.

My career looked very good. The main things he saw were animals and children. This is the second time I have been told this. After figuring things out we came to the conclusion that Petite Picasso will be very successful. Duh, children's artwork. Even the logo, a dog, was familiar to him. He also got a feeling about a new job! Something that will be perfect for me. I told him about Art Farms, a job I applied to last month but didn't hear back from yet. He said he had a good feeling I would get a response by the end of the month. It makes sense. Art Farms - children, artwork and animals!! So we will see if they contact me. Other than that he said I do not have to worry about making it in the art world and that I will be a very popular artist. Something that has to do with babies and children up to grammar school age. Whether its designing a clothing line or nursery designs, something like that. I will be making the bulk of the income and be very successful.

For the future he said Danny and I will eventually move into a nice house and have our studio to work out of. Possibly even team up and have a home based business on the side. Nice :) He also said that we will have an interesting and exciting life. Woohoo, I wouldn't have it any other way!

I am curious as to what will happen in December because he said Danny will make me feel special in some way. Whether its a gift or something romantic. It will be a milestone in our relationship. hmmm.....

So I will continue to be positive and have open arms to the opportunities that come my way. I know that some of the things may not happen. But if the universe is aware that it will, my eyes remain open to the journey up ahead.

Truly Alive

Some of you may know that I recently started a website, d+eco, awhile ago. Its where I bring eco-friendly products and modern design together along with tips and reference on how to live a green, healthy life. I have wanted to launch the site for a long time but haven't had to chance to. Now that it is up and running I am really happy that people seem to like it. I truly feel it is important to be kind to the earth and treat your body with respect and love. That means eating natural, organic foods and using only the purest of products in your home and on your skin. You are worth more than toxic chemicals and artificial ingredients. I started d+eco to spread this message and hope that I can inspire people to live better, healthier and have a more positive view on life.

Its a funny thing. I went to Whole Foods today to pick up a few things and the feeling I get when I walk out the door is confidence. I am proud that I take care of myself, my family and my home. Because of this we will all benefit in the future. Besides, natural & organic products aren't really that much more money than others. I have done the math and the small bit of difference is worth it for me. What is a couple of dollars when it comes to the ones you love. Nothing. I really wish everyone felt this way. It seems to be getting better but America is behind my friends. We need to get it together...and fast. The damage we are doing to ourselves, our environment and others is disgusting. Take a look around. You can't miss it.

Everyday I see something that bothers me. Whether its an overweight person eating crap, a beautiful home that is wasting away or someone having total disregard for the planet...I have had enough. Im sorry. There is just no reason to eat food that destroys your body and your mind. The worst is when I see children eating fast food and artificial crap on a daily basis. Hello people!! Learn how to raise your kids the right way! Why would you allow that fucking garbage to be consumed by the most important people in your life. It doesn't make sense to me. It just shows you don't care. Plain and simple. There are so many other delicious and healthy treats to feed them as well as food. If you raise your kids with the high standards you should have than they will be grow up wanting only the best for themselves. That is what a parents job is. No one else is raising them, you are. Stop being lazy and cook a good meal. Stop being cheap and bring some healthy food in the house. Show your children that its cool to be kind to the earth. If we don't instill good morals into our little ones we will all be in trouble in the future.

I don't mean to be judgmental towards parents but its enough already. I may not be a mother but I will be not too long from now. I feel that I am strong enough and smart enough to raise a healthy, wholesome, successful child. I will go great lengths to give them the world. I will make sure they have the options and the choice to be creative and express themselves. Whether it be art, music, dance or sports. My kids will have the opportunities they need to grow into well rounded adults. When I was young, I had so many of these opportunities and I took them all. The endless days at summer camp, gymnastics, softball, tennis, dance lessons, special art courses...these activities all helped me to grow and learn what it was I really wanted to do. Of course, I decided to go with art. Always have and always will. But to do all different things in addition to that was important to my personal growth.

I have always been one who loves change. When I felt like I conquered something or got bored I moved on to the next thing. I was always ahead of the game. Even though at times it seemed like I wasn't. I always knew who I was inside and never questioned my beliefs. Today I am even more confident and strong as a woman and will defeat anyone who tries to knock me down. Despite all the bullshit and hard times in my life, I am still here, living a positive life and trying to make it better every day. You see, I had a single mother. A mother who did what she had to do in order for me to have access to the world. She worked very hard when I was a kid and with the help of my family I got through a lot of things no one thought I could. Life throws crazy things your way. Some crazier than others. I dealt with my issues on my terms. When something didn't allow me to do that I just played along until I had the power to change it. Works every time!

My experiences have brought me so much pain and anger. But at the same time, they have shown me what happiness really could be and that loving myself is the most important thing. One lesson I will share with my children. I feel that until one has experienced a great amount of life's curve balls and has learned to be stable in those situations they shouldn't have kids. It makes sense. If you don't know shit and haven't learned enough about life than how the hell are you going to raise a child. I have always felt this way. When I see kids having kids it really annoys me. Not only that, but when people don't have the means to bring a child into the world and be able to give them the very best, than don't have children! Its called a condom, use one. With all the birth control out there today there is no reason to have an "unplanned birth". Its lack of respect for life and also a lack of maturity. Its kind of sad that your future or present child was a mistake and will not receive what they deserve.

Another important factor in this equation is the new life of the parents. When you are not prepared for a new addition to the family life can get boring, unsatisfying and tough. It can definitely bring you down and that means your children will be seeing that. Why would you want your kids to look at you and think you aren't doing anything exciting and fun or even ambitious. They learn from that. They need role models to look up to. There are hundreds of single parents out there who have put their life on hold to raise a child or children because they have to. When you are not prepared this is what happens. Im not talking about the results of divorce. Thats a whole other topic. I am simply stating that when you don't make smart decisions and do not have your cards laid out right, you will have a life that may not be worth living.

Yea yea, I know what your thinking, you can't imagine your life without your little one. But back then before they existed...they didn't exist!! I want my children to see how vibrant and positive I am. I want to share all the things I have done and tell them stories about my adventures. I want them to see how their mother and father are successful and enjoy the lives they have made for themselves. Just because you have kids doesn't mean your life should end. Thats bullshit. Yes, things will change, of course. But it doesn't mean you can't go out with your friends or travel. It doesn't mean you can't get an education or take extra classes to move up in your career. It sure as hell doesn't mean you can't still have a loving and fulfilled marriage. There are many solutions that are offered to parents so that they may go on living their lives and remaining a happy family. You see, when you are not in the right place in your life to have kids these solutions may seem further from your grasp.

So as you can see I am very passionate about children. This being said, the fact that parents do not make the proper decisions to care for their kids really pisses me off. Its not that hard. If you do the small things than the bigger issues seem a lot easier. All I can hope for is that this new generation will be smart, strong and experienced and help this planet to grow and prosper. We can't accomplish anything if we are not healthy and knowledgeable. Expand your mind, learn all you can and share what you know. What is the point of living if you are not truly alive.